I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
