sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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