So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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