My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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