where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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