I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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