Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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