Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize