He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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