Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
