Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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