my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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