im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
