The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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