Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
