my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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