This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
