On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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