I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
