once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
