I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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