If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
ok first of all what the fuck
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
