if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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