I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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