Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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