Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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