They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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