9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
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