My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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