I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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