In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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