i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize
