I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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