...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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