he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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