Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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