i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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