I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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