FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
me + whiskey = a bad person
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
