does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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