well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
