Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
