Moan for me like Helen Keller
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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