The beers last night were like the tears from god
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
