I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
