So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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