he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
