how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize