His hands were made for my vagina.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
