remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
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