U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
