Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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