I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
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