Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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