I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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