I'd wear matching sweaters with you
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
