dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
