she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize