Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
did i walk over a car last night?
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
