When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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